...hi's Journal

5:17pm: Omerta
The entreaty of rogues to give birth to a collusion to remain in the shadows for the wrong they're doing to the people i care about immensely. The secret weights that hang from my heart due to the things i know but shall never reveal because the slightest mutter of the hidden truth will bring war and i promised myself that i would lower my sword in the new year and fight for the things that have a deeper meaning. I promised to never again draw blood over vanity. But that old tempest blows with teeth and it's a struggle to turn a blind eye to a charlatans masquerade when they're doing the waltz with the hearts of those i call friends. Serpents bellow that i shouldn't be so proud because i'm not safe from the same circumstance. A shoddy justification on their behalf. But then i wonder how many principal characters suffer a deeper wound because they enjoy the taste of their self-righteous tongues to an immense degree. It's a new year and i've ripped the cancers from my life that destroyed me all of years passed. This is one that can no longer plague me. So silent i will remain as the hearts i consider a rescue become undone. Caring is a curse.

12:12pm: honestly
I still do...

5:37am: What a difference a day makes.

1:54am: these things
I've been in a cold basement since last Thursday giving birth to a project titled "paper lion". I forgot what day it is. I'm close to forgetting my name. I sleep no more. I eat horrible things. I haste death every now and then. Go listen to the intro and be patient as more music will soon follow.


myspace.com/paperlionmusic

8:07pm: salvation or serpent?
Within a blur i lean closer to focus the oncoming gift of escape. The contour of the rescue so promising. But my wall won't lower just yet. I've been wounded by beautiful lies more than i care to admit. My heart, beset in thorns, i guard with each step taken. I cradle the nuance in your voice for protection. For assurance. For safety. But it doesn't stop my third eye from being fixated on knives. It's watching to keep my faith from becoming ajar. Don't you falter.

10:14am: whet your lips
I smirk at the pretentions divine manifestations of many. How many wars within the skulls of you are genuine? the paranoid rhetoric you boast as a response to self-inflicted atrocity, is anything but becoming. You find camelot in ruin. And with a face of stone, you expect sympathy. I will not be chiseled nor coloured antagonist for the empty seat in the audience for your bullshit. Wake up, darling. Treachery is beating out your youth and skill.

12:29am: It's surreal how a persons hand can be as timid as a child and as treacherous as a rogue in the same movement. The hue is amusing.

9:19pm: tapping on flickering bulbs
I'm emotionally sick and i hate the taste on the air. My reverence for much is a waning one. When i'm kissing brick, i'm back and forth over the same resolve. I'll flirt with it until i need it genuinely. But for now, i glance over every now and then to see if it's still breathing in the event i do expel this masquerade of optimism and besetting dole with roses. A museum of memories i want to drape over with morning under a new sky. A paralysis of confidence in bloom that has me face to earth in knots. In a sick way, i envy those that make an esoteric period look poetic. I am clumsy and stay close to the shoreline of every escape without fully vanishing. It's part ego because failure is an ugly jacket and the other part is not knowing how to open my hands. I am wasteful of blood. So define tomorrow. What is a tomorrow in this day in time? just another day to fail a different way? a new complexion for your imperfections? a new distraction from destruction? tell me. I just want this game to die in a gale. Simplicity never sounded so graceful on lips until i fell. Now my hands are outstretched for anew. So fucking typical.

11:19pm: Gallow walker
There is nothing more ugly than the famine for sympathy. My shoulders are now obsolete. Learn to breathe.

8:27pm: Remiss
Paranoid by this esoteric chill brought on by the discomfort of another night closing it's eyes to start anew without knowing if the truth was even the slightest bit present on your lips. My hands have grown tired from just taking the word. Derive fear from one's yesterday. I'm still trying to forget. But let's continue to taste what's left of this night and figure this out. Something's amiss, darling.

2:22pm: colour
An intravenous of milk to eclipse the black making playthings of my wrists. I've forgotten your voice. The circumstance teething. The winters have a way of leaving an aftertaste of omission. But in the spring, it's a lesson learned. Why? as time covers and reveals it's garden, will i ever learn? my dole only becomes statues of an unfinished life. Moving on and flooding the road fate has paved that i break. The apparition of an afterimage so ardent, you have to kneel to it's breath that will always remind you. To promise you. To haunt you. Always.

4:28pm: sleight
Just because i enclose my claws...it doesn't mean i've fallen asleep. My eyes define while silence ferries me above.

12:07pm: The Alchemy Index
The new thrice album is fantastic. Thank you, thrice. I now have a new and immensely fantastic album to tune out the world a little longer with.

2:12am: when you blow out...like a dead star.
Battling insomnia isn't so bad when you just accept and lie still with the explosion on mute. I sort of find comfort in this disconnect. And albeit the weather has finally caught up with the hue of the trees, it's charming to be aimless at this hour. Do not part your lips here. Just disappear. 

10:59pm: >
Memories will fade and witnesses may dissemble...but the circumstance never lies. It is only here...where the lions are afraid of the rats. Destroy the lighthouse. There is no warning left to give. The deep shall erase you.

9:02pm: behold, a charlatan.
It seems autumn is beginning to speak. But in whispers. Seeing something beautiful is both tragic and well, beautiful. It just brings it home more immensely that all of us will one day die. I often think of the things i have taken for granted and lament the things i still take for granted that i shouldn't. I find myself so entwined in the negative shit that people present to me that i often forget to breathe and look at the world around me. And within that space of a second, i feel foolish that people lacking class, morals or loyalty could suspend my sight of the bigger picture in life even for a moment. I have a hard time accepting the way people are built sometimes that i forget that many don't change no matter how disgusted you end up about it. The more disgusted you are, the harder the cancer perpetuates it's presence. It's best to just fucking leave it/them alone to their own devices and hope that one day, for their sake, they'll expel the treachery and learn to appreciate their lives and friends a little more than they do and stop shitting where they eat. But don't color me self-righteous just yet. I am no saint. But if there is one thing that i could say, that would be i have never betrayed my friends or family for progress. I am guilty of having chaos in my blood. And for good reason. And within this, i made promise to focus on the beauty and less on the filth. So to those i consider foes, don't mistake this mild epiphany as an escape. You will be dealt with. Karma never forgets and neither do i. So spare me the phony conversation as an attempt to see where my head is about you. My silence should've given you a clue or are you too arrogant and that much of a sycophant to even grasp the fact that i already know? hmm.

2:52am: you're a liar.
I finally remembered the password to this thing. Go me. So down to brass tax. I'm at Kai's and i'm beyond exhausted so this won't be long because i currently don't have the energy so i'll post a real "update" sometime over the weekend. But first, i want to address someone before i dead this in the water. I met some new people while spending the last few days here at Kai"s pad writing, practicing and catching up. I met someone that i've heard so much about but didn't think i would cross paths with them. Needless to say,  i was informed of some amusing and immensely fucked up information via this guy. It's pretty safe to say that people simply CAN NOT be trusted. I was a fucking idiot to have trusted you and i should've listened to the advice to stay away from you. I was warned that you were bad news and a backstabber. But i gave you the benefit of the doubt anyway. And still, you went behind my back and spoke nothing but lies. It was an honor to have met your ex boyfriend. I now know who you truly are and i now know about the lies you spoke. Remeber that the world is a very small place when you're a rogue. Karma, hun. Fuck you.

6:24pm: coffee with a harlot
I forgot i had this livejournal until moments ago. I should really try to stay on top of this worthless internet toy and play with it more, eh? yes. Anyway. I recently hooked up the Mac and i'm slowly adding recording/music programs and various other goodies to fully put this baby to work on a much bigger scale. Of course i want these programs for free. So i've been holding out until i can locate someone already with the program i want so i can save a few bucks and download it for free. I just recently found out how much photoshop costs and i nearly fainted. I now understand why so many ask me and everyone else they know if they have the latest version of photoshop and if they could borrow it to download it to their computers. That puppy is expensive. Anywho. My clothing company (818 clothing) will finally return with new inventory, new layout, etc. I know it's been awhile. But there are some avenues that you travel down that should just be done right and not rushed in any shape or form. It also helps when you have the money to throw at it and the concepts you love at a full 100%. I now have both and i couldn't be more excited to finally kick start the company again and get a little more inventory and a new facelift haha. Other than that, things have been up and down as of late. It's never a consistent stream these days with anyone i know. I've just been trying to slow the pace of everything and gain a little more control over the things that bring me both joy and bane. I'm hard to deal with as a person because i'm moody, cynical, impatient, bitter, aggressive, snide, cold and various other things that thwart me sometimes as a human being. A friend of mine told me the other day over coffee that i should make more of an effort to open up and not just go M.I.A. the second i become bitter or stressed about something. I don't know if i really give a fuck enough to make an effort such as that anytime soon. I feel better just vanishing and collecting my own debris without someone thinking they know me and why i am the way i am. Take that coffee shop therapy and go fuck yourself. Seriously. The advice from this person i smirked off because this fell from the lips of someone that betrayed me months prior but i gave them the benefit of the doubt and had coffee with the rogue anyway. So i should've expected the inane from the start. It's such a vicious fucking cycle. I spend more time fighting to forgive or more time in immense misanthropy than i do progressing forward with the people i try to consider friends. I'm destructive because i'm always on guard because if it's one thing i trust, it's that i trust people to be, well... PEOPLE. There is a certain amount of human error that we're entitled to before it just starts to look like bullshit and bad choices. I do not deny that i'm a doleful and immensely pissed off person. I fight with these things daily. But they are also my protection because i never collapse my guard for anyone or anything. I really don't know what else to say at this point. The thoughts in my head juxtaposed with regret is not doing much to ease a single thing. Fin.

9:24am: I pray to fucking God i get tickets...
To the police reunion tour. I will be watching the revealing of the dates like a hawk. The NYC dates soldout within minutes. I CAN NOT miss this tour. Fin.

9:16pm: ......
Wow... two entries in one day? that's what happens when your plans are destroyed by mother nature. Idle time leaves immense room for reflection and exposes imperfections ardently. I wrote a few draft beats and toyed with some arrangements on the korg for an hour or two and just spaced out until the latch in my head clicked giving me a second wind of inspiration for the day. No matter how hard i try to convince myself that i'm an emotionally adjusted person, i simply am not. Before you shake your head in agreement from your fucking towers, just know that it's doleful and misanthropy. Two things i have tried to fool into releasing it's chokehold from my life. The more i try to reason with myself, the bleaker shit becomes around me. I'm not the type of person that battles this on the street in front of a passerby. But i fire flares via calm conversation and the asking of questions. But the problem with that is i don't trust the words or answers from the mouths of the people i call *friends*. Everyone has a verbal diagnosis that's either too frail or it feels too rehearsed as if they watched too many Dr.Phil episodes. I read beyond a design placed before me. I look through it's walls, cracks and skin. And often times, what i find is just as ugly as i am on the inside. Discovery is both beautiful and tragic. Finding out your security is just as tattered kind of fucks with your confidence. Not that i place my debris on others or anything, but it's good to have your safety stronger than you and not just pretending and then collapsing when you need them most. But that is becoming harder and harder to find now. Everyone is wounded and just does a good job concealing their blood. But that's life, right? we all have battles. Blah blah blah. I just want to get a violent grip around this bitter trance i've been in. I'm too caught up in the root of this shit. Too obsessed with understanding. But at the same time, i won't just haste it aside because people want/expect things from me and hoping i'll just fake a smile to give them what they want. Fuck you. You'll get your fix when i'm content. But until then, fuck the agenda.

6:47pm: I smell juniper...
Have you ever noticed that it stopped being easy once we gathered the thirst to try? this is why i love it when the day hues from white to grey. It's a blanket that drapes my leak in perfection. To me, bliss is only defiance with a grin. My mind, heart and the taste of my tongue are only ghosts of what the days use to be. Literally eaten alive by the morrow because i'm still waiting and writing love letters to yesterday. It's both beautiful and tragic how the scent of an era passed could send us crashing to our knees and sorting through the shards to rewrite the closure that haunts us less. Boasting our scars as education and a lesson learned. But never letting go in the same breath. I'm sick of attraction being this spent duel until someone decides to surrender their heart. It's romance. So disarm and kiss me.

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9:03am: corndogs for the picking...
That familiar taste on my upper lip has been making it easier to open my eyes in the early stages of this new year. An immense desire creatively and a second wind overall. But that's just in the artistic areas of my life right now. If i keep myself immersed musically, i'm ok. I have music that i have written that has never seen the light of day. I sometimes just enjoy writing music as a therapeutic dossier with no intent on making it public. I'm at a point where the attention of the masses don't matter as much anymore. In writing that, some will say it's a snobby road to come to because i'm severing the publics right to an opinion. Not entirely. I'm just not living and dying by the last word of them so much anymore. There are too many emotional rules and thin skin to cope with to even live like a normal human being anymore. I wish i could say i knew a time where everything was beautiful and uncorrupted. That would be a lie. The bigger the number becomes at the haste of every new year, the more immense the decline of everything that is meant to remedy. It feels more like a countdown to nothingness than a rebirth. We spend most of our lives trying to make sense of things/people that life later reveals to be nothing more than cunning lies once we shift through the debris and poetic caress. I was never an optimistic person in the least due to routine outcomes from the fruitless wells i have placed my faith inside. I could sit here and convince myself over and over that with the newly and very much alive new year that i will learn x, y and z. But that would also be a lie. In the moment of whatever, i cave and forget the teaching and the promise. It's the ego inside of us to respond. The ego inside of us that leaves us asking "why him/her and not me?". It's funny how we analyze the so called "better" man/woman in many different situations from romance to the workplace. It's an obsession to compare attributes of sorts. Anywho... off to intensify/gain a new vice.

8:36pm: with teeth...
Oh, word?

11:31pm: 365
The lyre note is never ceaseless in the era of me. A weightless reason given. How clumsy is the heart to drop so easily to be brutally maimed through the guise of what could've easily been taken for love. Dear, romantic. Fate is man-made and crafted so precise by greedy hands that wouldn't wait for something real to call their own. But who am i to passively slay? no one would blame you for not wanting to close your eyes and wake the same way yesterday left you. Alone. Without armor, you'll come to know patience well. Amusing. Does a tidal wave caress? of course not. So why ask knowing the endeavor is fruitless? tie the hopeful in knots and escape. A constant enigma that won't disarm.